14 Dec 2020, 21:25
Ok, so I thought this was all behind me but today I open Google and this article shows up in my feed:
https://nationalpost.com/news/canada/can...imentation
Now I'm back to questioning my gender all over again 😟
I don't have access to a therapist at the moment nor do I think they would be helpful because as the article states, most therapy in Canada is affirmative, and although its nice that eventually if I decide to transition it will be easy, I just want to know I am making the right choice. You guys are very helpful because you share similar feelings or have gone through transitioning yourself, that's why I keep coming back for advice.
So going back to the article, one thing it tries to accomplish is conflating gender and sexuality in a very subtle and indirect way. That is, it gives examples that sometimes trans feelings are really about not accepting or confusion around your sexuality. But at this moment, my most accurate sexual orientation irl would be lesbian. So how does that make sense if I still a male body? The only way it would seem to accept my sexuality would be to transition right?
Another thing that stops me from fully accepting myself as a transgirl is that I feel guilty that I am going against some unspoken heterosexual imperative. Like I should not transtion because I have a male body and I am attracted to women so I should fulfill my biological role to reproduce and start a traditional family and be a father. So whenever I get thoughts of being a woman together with being a woman I turn to sissy hypno to try to alter my sexuality to that of a heterosexual transwoman because it would feel more natural (and acceptable?). But the thing is that I can never see myself as a father figure, I only want to be a mother when I get older.
But one thing is for certain, I know that deep down I am a female. My first feelings were at 15 when I watched TinkerBell for the first time. I immedietly identified with the main character and actually with all the characters. I wanted to be like them so bad. Although I did not know what trans was at the time, I felt "off" for a whole week afterwards. Fast forward and at 17 was the first time I had major gender dysphoria (mind you this was before hypnos). It happened during a swim meet where I sat staring at the other females in the pool so confident in themselves and looking all so beautiful. I just wanted to look and be like them so bad. I spent a couple of days afterwards researching all about how to best transition and get hormones. Fast forward to university, most of my everyday focus while walking through campus was how much I wanted to be a college girl rather than a guy...thinking how unfair life was to be born male.
Anyways i'm also posting because I went skating today and there was this beautiful speed skater that showed up. I found it strange that I wanted to be her more than a was attracted to her...and this got me thinking that there is much more to my gender feelings than just being a phase. It's occupied my mind for nearly a third of my life (since puberty) and I just can't let it go so easily.
One more I want to state is that the article concludes with:
“If you make a mistake about being gay, there’s no harm, no foul, really in the end.” Mary said. “But If you think you’re transgender at 15 and have a mastectomy, and then at 25 you go, ‘Oh, my God, what did I do?’ — that’s why parents are terrified.”
But actually I feel the complete opposite. In fact I am really sad and depressed not having precisely pinpointed my trans feeling earlier and being too scared (especially with my conservative family) to act on my feelings when I realized what they were at 17. Being 23 now, I look back at my puberty and think, "Oh, my God, what did I not do." 😟
https://nationalpost.com/news/canada/can...imentation
Now I'm back to questioning my gender all over again 😟
I don't have access to a therapist at the moment nor do I think they would be helpful because as the article states, most therapy in Canada is affirmative, and although its nice that eventually if I decide to transition it will be easy, I just want to know I am making the right choice. You guys are very helpful because you share similar feelings or have gone through transitioning yourself, that's why I keep coming back for advice.
So going back to the article, one thing it tries to accomplish is conflating gender and sexuality in a very subtle and indirect way. That is, it gives examples that sometimes trans feelings are really about not accepting or confusion around your sexuality. But at this moment, my most accurate sexual orientation irl would be lesbian. So how does that make sense if I still a male body? The only way it would seem to accept my sexuality would be to transition right?
Another thing that stops me from fully accepting myself as a transgirl is that I feel guilty that I am going against some unspoken heterosexual imperative. Like I should not transtion because I have a male body and I am attracted to women so I should fulfill my biological role to reproduce and start a traditional family and be a father. So whenever I get thoughts of being a woman together with being a woman I turn to sissy hypno to try to alter my sexuality to that of a heterosexual transwoman because it would feel more natural (and acceptable?). But the thing is that I can never see myself as a father figure, I only want to be a mother when I get older.
But one thing is for certain, I know that deep down I am a female. My first feelings were at 15 when I watched TinkerBell for the first time. I immedietly identified with the main character and actually with all the characters. I wanted to be like them so bad. Although I did not know what trans was at the time, I felt "off" for a whole week afterwards. Fast forward and at 17 was the first time I had major gender dysphoria (mind you this was before hypnos). It happened during a swim meet where I sat staring at the other females in the pool so confident in themselves and looking all so beautiful. I just wanted to look and be like them so bad. I spent a couple of days afterwards researching all about how to best transition and get hormones. Fast forward to university, most of my everyday focus while walking through campus was how much I wanted to be a college girl rather than a guy...thinking how unfair life was to be born male.
Anyways i'm also posting because I went skating today and there was this beautiful speed skater that showed up. I found it strange that I wanted to be her more than a was attracted to her...and this got me thinking that there is much more to my gender feelings than just being a phase. It's occupied my mind for nearly a third of my life (since puberty) and I just can't let it go so easily.
One more I want to state is that the article concludes with:
“If you make a mistake about being gay, there’s no harm, no foul, really in the end.” Mary said. “But If you think you’re transgender at 15 and have a mastectomy, and then at 25 you go, ‘Oh, my God, what did I do?’ — that’s why parents are terrified.”
But actually I feel the complete opposite. In fact I am really sad and depressed not having precisely pinpointed my trans feeling earlier and being too scared (especially with my conservative family) to act on my feelings when I realized what they were at 17. Being 23 now, I look back at my puberty and think, "Oh, my God, what did I not do." 😟
eady too hot discussion. The last related post was made on Dec 20, so I hope everything has been cleared up, cooled down and return back to balance and harmony 😊 ![[Image: biggrin.gif]](https://www.likera.com/forum/mybb/images/smilies/biggrin.gif)
).