(12 Dec 2020, 06:18 )Hazel Wrote: [ -> ]There is this new girl at where I work who is 2 years younger than me (she's 21), and I have to say that she is absolutely drop dead gorgeous. Everything about her screams femininity, while everything about me is the complete opposite. I know that even with HRT I will never end up even close to looking like her and people won't ever see me or acknowledge me like her anyways. So what's the point of even trying? Like Like Ra said before, what's the point of transitioning if you won't pass?
In my mind I have a certain image or standard of which I would want to embody as a female, but if real life keeps showing me square in the face that it's impossible then why even try? Why go through transition and make yourself more miserable if you end up an ugly mess?
It's too late for me and I have to accept that, but my issue is that I can't accept that 😔
I'm in an office (well, not right now) of about 100 people, split pretty much 50-50, most in their 20s and 30s. There is one girl who is really model-pretty, tall, skinny, blonde, super-symmetrical face, the whole deal. At the other end of the spectrum there are women who are short, stocky, mousey, and so on. And many are the average who look very cute at 25 and in 10-20 years will be just another invisible face in the crowd. Every woman I have ever known well has parts of her body she doesn't like.
Even if you were born AFAB, chances are you would be average too (don't tell me about your sister or mother). And here is the thing--even if you were one of the lucky ones, there is nothing as beautiful as a 21-year-old woman. Paulina Porizkova was a supermodel in the 80s and 90s, and has talked about how getting older has been very difficult for her:
She tells the New York Post, "Nothing ages as poorly as a beautiful woman's ego. When you have used your beauty to get around, it's like having extra cash in your pocket. I was so used to walking down the street and having the young guys passing by at least give me a flicker of a look. But once you're over 40, you become invisible. You're a brick in the building and it's sad. It just feels like the sun went down a little bit. It got a little cloudy outside."
https://www.imdb.com/news/ni5030686?ref_=nws_art_hd
At 23 the only thing you are too old for is dating teenagers.
As I said before, I think you are living too much in your head and not in the world. It is hard right now but I would look for any opportunity you can to talk with other people like you--people around your age, with similar feelings. There is nothing wrong with this forum but the answers you want will be found out in the physical world around other people. You are guessing and second-guessing yourself and second-guessing your second guesses, and all you are doing is digging a deeper hole inside your own head. I have similar tendencies and the best way I have found to break out of these spirals is first to realize that I am thinking myself in knots, and second to have other people around (friends, partner, etc.) who I can talk to and who can see me from the outside.
Passing is not just what you see in the mirror but what other people see. Have you ever really tried? If you presented as female out in the world, and everyone treated you as female, maybe how you feel about what you see in the mirror would change. Or maybe not--either way you would learn and grow.
And keep in mind too that "passing" for most people is about a lot more than bone structure. The first time everybody puts on makeup, they look like a clown. If you're AFAB, this might start when you're 12, so maybe by 21 it looks effortless to you from the outside. But trust me, I've dated some "high maintenance" women and it takes a lot of work to be pretty. Watch some "MTF transformation" videos on Youtube, some of them show women taking very masculine-looking boyfriends and an hour or two later the guys are shocked when they look in a mirror and see a girl. I'm just saying, it takes some practice to know what you can really look like.
eady are/want that thing. If you look up force crossdress hypno, then you probably a