(06 Dec 2020, 06:50 )cbshackle Wrote: [ -> ]AND YES I CAN ORGASM without any issues.
Sorry for asking but how does it feel compared to a male orgasm? Is it more like how women describe orgasms (fully body, no refraction period and lasting longer than a few seconds)?
Hi @
cbshackle, I also wanted to ask you something that's still really bothering me. I think my previous post on this thread summarizes it pretty well and because you identify as a lesbian, I think your advice would be most helpful š
So here is my current problem:
(02 Dec 2020, 16:52 )Hazel Wrote: [ -> ]I have a bigger issue that I want to discuss which really drives me into denial of my trans identity. You see, I know that I am fundamentally female and feminine but the problem is that i am also attracted (sometimes sexually) to external femininity and women. So my issue is that for some reason I cannot reconcile those two in my mind; that is identifying as female and also being attracted to females. I've read that cis lesbians have the same problem sometimes minus the gender feelings because for them they sometimes say that they don't know whether they envy her, want to be her, want to be friends with her or want to be with her. I feel the same way but since I am not a cis female, my sexual feelings towards femininity sometimes cause me to go into denial of who I feel inside as a woman (a non-sexual feeling) and then I start purging my identity and attribute it to some sissy/feminization fetish only to regret it a short time later.
Also see this post I wrote earlierĀ for more detail:
(02 Dec 2020, 16:52 )Hazel Wrote: [ -> ]For me its more complicated. Sissy hypnos opened me up to liking being with a man. Although in real life almost all men are a turn off. So I am basically exclusively attracted to women although that changes if I imagine myself in the female form (as I should be). Then it feels more natural to be with a guy because I wouldn't really want to be with a woman. Basically the reason I sometimes conflate my gender and sexuality is because I might be a lesbian in denial. I just cannot reconcile being a woman and being with a woman because my mind would just want to be friends with her or envy her beauty. There would just be no spark of attraction because she would be just like me. I've read somewhere that gay people and straight people always have the same orientation despite the gender they identify as. For example, I read that a formerly gay man transitioned to become female and then came out as a lesbian despite having no prior attraction to women. So I guess I will always be drawn to heterosexual attraction and relationships.
(06 Dec 2020, 21:17 )Hazel Wrote: [ -> ]Sorry for asking but how does it feel compared to a male orgasm? Is it more like how women describe orgasms (fully body, no refraction period and lasting longer than a few seconds)?
Everyone is a little different there, but yet it is definitely like that of how my cis wife describes orgasms, especially the full body part. I also have no refraction period and orgams can last quite a long time. (like minutes.) They are not as sharply focused as male orgasms but they are toe-curling at times. The full body part happed after being on HRT for a while while the no refraction period did happen after HRT (orgasms were even dry once hormone levels were female), but that part was easier after SRS. Probably related to testicles not being there any longer. (Mine stayed retracted on HRT.)
If I keep orgasming over and over, it starts to become painful just like it does for my cis wife.
(07 Dec 2020, 03:10 )cbshackle Wrote: [ -> ]If I keep orgasming over and over, it starts to become painful just like it does for my cis wife.
Can you explain further, how can orgasming be painful? Also, how did your sex drive change after HRT and then SRS? Is it more difficult to get aroused and is the arousal still mostly visual based?
Thanks again for replying, this information is very helpful since it comes from first person experience.
cbshackle, if you have time can you also comment on the preceding post I wrote in regards to struggling to accept a lesbian identity, since you are transwoman in a lesbian relationship and it would be great if you can share your thoughts and feelings of what its like and what I may be misunderstanding with my post.
(06 Dec 2020, 21:24 )Hazel Wrote: [ -> ]Hi @cbshackle, I also wanted to ask you something that's still really bothering me. I think my previous post on this thread summarizes it pretty well and because you identify as a lesbian, I think your advice would be most helpful š
So here is my current problem:
(02 Dec 2020, 16:52 )Hazel Wrote: [ -> ]I have a bigger issue that I want to discuss which really drives me into denial of my trans identity. You see, I know that I am fundamentally female and feminine but the problem is that i am also attracted (sometimes sexually) to external femininity and women. So my issue is that for some reason I cannot reconcile those two in my mind; that is identifying as female and also being attracted to females. I've read that cis lesbians have the same problem sometimes minus the gender feelings because for them they sometimes say that they don't know whether they envy her, want to be her, want to be friends with her or want to be with her. I feel the same way but since I am not a cis female, my sexual feelings towards femininity sometimes cause me to go into denial of who I feel inside as a woman (a non-sexual feeling) and then I start purging my identity and attribute it to some sissy/feminization fetish only to regret it a short time later.
Also see this post I wrote earlierĀ for more detail:
(02 Dec 2020, 16:52 )Hazel Wrote: [ -> ]For me its more complicated. Sissy hypnos opened me up to liking being with a man. Although in real life almost all men are a turn off. So I am basically exclusively attracted to women although that changes if I imagine myself in the female form (as I should be). Then it feels more natural to be with a guy because I wouldn't really want to be with a woman. Basically the reason I sometimes conflate my gender and sexuality is because I might be a lesbian in denial. I just cannot reconcile being a woman and being with a woman because my mind would just want to be friends with her or envy her beauty. There would just be no spark of attraction because she would be just like me. I've read somewhere that gay people and straight people always have the same orientation despite the gender they identify as. For example, I read that a formerly gay man transitioned to become female and then came out as a lesbian despite having no prior attraction to women. So I guess I will always be drawn to heterosexual attraction and relationships.
The sounds like internalized homophobia and you are right, many cis lesbians go through the same thing. When I looked at transition in the early 1990's one was not allowed to transition from male to female if you were attracted to women. (i.e. you could not transition to become gay/lesbian even though fundamentally I a
eady was a lesbian.) Back then the psychiatric community lumped gender identity and sexual orientation together. Of course, now we know that they are 2 separate things. It sounds like you have the 2 intertwined together which is complicating things for you as well.
To help deal with the complexity you are going through, there is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist who has experience with gender dysphoria and gender identity issues. I would highly recommend it and I believe anyone should see one before starting HRT. (But I am an advocate for informed consent for adults when it comes to HRT.)
It is not uncommon for someone to find themselves attracted to a different gender after they transition or find out they are bisexual or pansexual. Transitioning opens up the doors for many on who they feel like they can be attracted to.
I sit on 2 advisory panels for LGBT Healthcare in the NYC area and have acted as co-facilitator for both transgender support groups and also PFLAG to help parents and families of LGBT loved ones. I have probably met over 1000 trans individuals over the years and they all have unique experiences. The one thing that is common about them all, is that are all on a journey to become their true self.
(07 Dec 2020, 04:19 )cbshackle Wrote: [ -> ]The one thing that is common about them all, is that are all on a journey to become their true self.
Is there a right way to be trans? Like how do I know my trans feelings are genuine and not some phase (since they arose much later than real trans women)? Sorry i'm asking as at this moment in my life I cannot access a gender therapist.
(07 Dec 2020, 03:47 )Hazel Wrote: [ -> ] (07 Dec 2020, 03:10 )cbshackle Wrote: [ -> ]If I keep orgasming over and over, it starts to become painful just like it does for my cis wife.
Can you explain further, how can orgasming be painful? Also, how did your sex drive change after HRT and then SRS? Is it more difficult to get aroused and is the arousal still mostly visual based?
Thanks again for replying, this information is very helpful since it comes from first person experience.
cbshackle, if you have time can you also comment on the preceding post I wrote in regards to struggling to accept a lesbian identity, sinceĀ you are transwoman in a lesbian relationship and it would be great if you can share your thoughts and feelings of what its like and what I may be misunderstanding with my post.
After too many orgasms muscles can start to become painful. Part of an orgasm is the pelvic floor muscle spasming. Also my clit does get engorged just like a cis woman and it can get painful if stimulated too much just like my wife's does.
My sex drive did change on HRT and then again after SRS. After HRT, it became more mental and erections pretty much went away. After 3-4 months on HRT, even my smell changed down there to a more feminine smell. I definitely wanted to orgasm less frequently but when I did have them, it was for a lot longer with a longer buildup. For me, quantity went down, but the quality of them went up š
After SRS, orgasms for me felt more natural. I had my first orgasm after SRS 16 weeks post-op and I cried happy tears for 10 minutes afterward. It was an emotional experience since for the first time in my life, things felt so right down there after an orgasm. Arousal comes in many forms and is pretty easy for me now. It took about a year after SRS for all the nerves to remap properly. Some post-op trans women can take up to a year to have an orgasm. A lot of that depends on the surgeon and technique.
To add to my comments earlier about being a lesbian, I never really had an issue with it. (My mother did as she accepted my transition well except that because I was always feminine, she thought I should have been attracted to men even before I transitioned.) I have several close cis lesbian friends with 2 several that I have scened with in public dungeon play and private kink parties. For me, it was never a big deal at least in the NYC area. However, when visiting the Southern part of the US which is much more conservative, were curb PDAs down to a minimum since being gay is less accepted there even though there is marriage equality.
We have experienced some homophobia as a lesbian couple, but nothing horrible or bad and it's only happened maybe 2 times in the last 7 years (both times from doctors). We are accepted even in our church (Unitarian Universalists) and our community.
(07 Dec 2020, 04:57 )Hazel Wrote: [ -> ] (07 Dec 2020, 04:19 )cbshackle Wrote: [ -> ]The one thing that is common about them all, is that are all on a journey to become their true self.
Is there a right way to be trans? Like how do I know my trans feelings are genuine and not some phase (since they arose much later than real trans women)? Sorry i'm asking as at this moment in my life I cannot access a gender therapist.
This is no right way of being trans. There is a safe way and a not safe way. Your feelings are your feelings and they are valid. It does not matter if they are later in life or earlier. I was raised in a strict conservative environment (Southern Baptist) growing up where anything LGBT was not even discussed. (My father made sure of that.) I was in denial to myself about who I was even though I had an intersex condition. (I was also forbidden to even ask about that growing up.) So I certainly understand.
Just because you realize/accept that you are trans later in life, does not mean you are not really transgender. I know trans women who transitioned at 65 and have no regrets. (Except they wish they transitioned earlier in life.) There is a subreddit I moderate I highly recommend (
https://www.reddit.com/r/TransLater/ )where you can discuss with others that transition later in life.
(07 Dec 2020, 05:17 )cbshackle Wrote: [ -> ]To add to my comments earlier about being a lesbian, I never really had an issue with it. (My mother did as she accepted my transition well except that because I was always feminine, she thought I should have been attracted to men even before I transitioned.)
For me there are two things running in my mind about being lesbian. The first is that I still have a male body so I feel that I am somehow an imposter. It doesn't help that some feminists consider transwomen to be guys trying to get with lesbians. And this harkens back to my thoughts of whether I am really a woman or that I can even call myself a lesbian. The second is that I am also really feminine and although I am attracted to females now, I feel that if I were to transition, I would need a male partner to affirm my femininity. A lesbian relationship with another woman would just make me insecure of my womanhood, like I am faking being female because I would constantly compare myself and envy her natural femininity.
(07 Dec 2020, 06:00 )Hazel Wrote: [ -> ] (07 Dec 2020, 05:17 )cbshackle Wrote: [ -> ]To add to my comments earlier about being a lesbian, I never really had an issue with it. (My mother did as she accepted my transition well except that because I was always feminine, she thought I should have been attracted to men even before I transitioned.)
For me there are two things running in my mind about being lesbian. The first is that I still have a male body so I feel that I am somehow an imposter. It doesn't help that some feminists consider transwomen to be guys trying to get with lesbians. And this harkens back to my thoughts of whether I am really a woman or that I can even call myself a lesbian. The second is that I am also really feminine and although I am attracted to females now, I feel that if I were to transition, I would need a male partner to affirm my femininity. A lesbian relationship with another woman would just make me insecure of my womanhood, like I am faking being female because I would constantly compare myself and envy her natural femininity.
What you describe is imposter syndrome and is something nearly every trans woman I know has experienced at one time or another. You are looking for affirmations or things to affirm your gender identity. The male body part is a big one, as that is part of gender dysphoria (in the physical sense.) TERFS (Trans Exclusive Radical Feminists, who really are not feminist) don't help with that either with their mentality that trans women are men trying to invade women's spaces. They do a lot of harm to trans individuals and feminism. They have a louder voice in the UK than in the US. In my experience, most cis lesbians are very accepting of trans women at least here in the US. Many do have genital preferences for vaginas, which is NOT transphobic as long as they recognize trans women as women. Medically transitioning helps tremendously with this.
Being with a man does not make you a woman in any way. Remember that gender identity and sexual orientation are totally separate. A cis man being with a man does not make him a woman. Likewise, a cis lesbian being with a woman does not make her a man. If anything, for me being accepted in the lesbian community as a woman has affirmed my identity more than any man could. Although I do have to admit, having men hold doors open for me in public and willing to help if I'm struggling with something heavy (you do lose muscle mass/strength with HRT) is also affirming.
I call my transition a success. Most days I don't even think about my trans history. I simply am a woman. I am seen as a woman, treated as a woman. I even see a gynecologist once a year and have a mammogram every other year. (Neither are fun.) The moment I knew my transition (at least socially) was successful was before SRS (about 2 years after HRT.) I was hired to be an expert witness for a client in NJ Superior Court who was the plaintiff. All my documentation/ID has my correct female name and gender so there was nothing that would out me. (Only the client knew of my trans history because they knew me before I transitioned.) I was treated as a professional woman which is what I am in the tech field. (I'm a data integration specialist and IT consultant in the logistics industry.) After my testimony and cross-examination by the defense attorney, I sat in court nervous about my testimony. Then it dawned on me that not one time did I worry about passing, I was worried about my testimony. (Did I do a good job, etc.) Turned out that my testimony was the deciding factor that won the case for my client. (They recently hired me full time and asked me to join a new startup.)
One funny thing that did happen was one of the witnesses on the defense side hit on me outside the courtroom after the judge issued her ruling.
One other side note. Every one of my co-workers and clients that knew me before I transitioned told me after I transitioned that they can tell I am much happier now and that they can't even imagine me being male. Most, even the conservative one have said that me being a woman is just natural to them.