(25 Nov 2020, 22:03 )Hazel Wrote: [ -> ]WOW, orgasm is such a powerful and sobering thing. You know I am not really sure anymore what to think of my gender identity or sexuality. Basically I feel feminine, I want to be female (if I could magically transition), but I also see its not possible or viable in my life. And all that time spent of feminization files or crossdressing or body-changing subliminals just to achieve a tiny fraction of femininity that a cis woman has is really not compatible with my current life and lifestyle. And this leads me to my second point of having slight envy of women because they can live the life of my dreams in the body of my dreams. For example, look at social media celebrities, vloggers, influencers and sports models, they can look feminine, attractive, be sponsored by female clothes companies and be the envy of countless other women/ draw the attractions of many guys all the while amassing an enormous income. Yet under all that surface envy, I also feel a deep emotional and physical attraction towards women.
I don't post much on here but I think we're all reacting to this thread because all of us, many who are old enough to be your parents, see pieces of our younger selves in you. Since we can't send messages back in time to ourselves, this is the next best thing I guess.
My story is different from yours because I am and have always been more at peace with my male self than you seem to be. I had a wonderful relationship with my dad and lots of male friends and I am happy doing lots of very "typical male" things like working on cars or being the boss professionally and so on. But, going back as far as high school I've also had lots of close female friends. Even before puberty I was sometimes a little jealous of what girls got to wear, and if I'm honest with myself I check plenty of the boxes for dysphoria. I'm extremely verbal.
I'm also heteroromantic, though I was a very late bloomer when it came to dating and relationships. A lot of that was due to insecurity and uncertainty about my "unique" sexuality and how that would work out. Eventually, I decided to focus my dating in the kink/BDSM community where at the very least, I knew women would at least respect who I was, even if they decided they didn't want to fuck me. Things got a lot better after that. It helped I was in a large and very cosmopolitan city.
Lots of people say they couldn't transition because they couldn't afford it, they're worried about their career, or their parents would disown them. None of those apply to me: I'm very successful professionally, I'm in an industry in a city that's loudly pro-trans, and my parents--who I think would have come to peace eventually, but I imagine it would have been HARD--are both gone. What stops me then is different. My GF of some years now is straight, but she also doesn't mind seeing a man in a dress--she's unique that way. I think if I became in mind and her eyes a woman, that could change. But more than that, I wonder what I would look like--and I suspect I'd make a pretty ugly woman. If I had a letter from the deity upstairs saying, "you're gonna be hot," maybe I'd feel differently.
Where I'm at today, I feel like I'd like to express my female persona just a bit more--I'd like to wear a wig, and makeup, and go out that way into the world. My GF has not ruled this out, other than she wants to try it somewhere other than our home city. I guess that will have to wait for the post-Covid world. I don't know where that will lead. A big part of me thinks I will be happy for femininity to be a place I visit. But who knows? I think too of some of the other women I dated, one of whom was very pan, and who probably would have encouraged me to "go all the way" so to speak if that's where my heart took me. My GF now would in her own way probably tell me to keep going, but she might not follow me there.
If I could send a letter back in time to myself, I would tell myself to try to be braver about expressing all of my identities and finding out which one was right for me. I would tell myself to screw up my courage and buy makeup and get dressed and go hang out in LGBT-friendly spaces and meet more real people. I would have had obstacles but I used many of them as excuses. I would tell myself that you can be a girl one day and a boy the next day and not to worry so much about what it might mean. Maybe I'd have ended up transitioning then when I didn't have lots of money and my Dad would have been shocked and convinced it was a terrible mistake and my super-guy friends would have recoiled from me. Or maybe I'd just be a lot better at makeup today and have a more developed girl side.
On the other side, I would tell myself to be really careful about getting stuck in and spending too much time in my own head. We all have obsessive tendencies, and for me getting really wrapped up in the image and idea of femininity can be very... unrealistic. As an example, sometimes I see a clip of a ballerina, and I think, "I wish I could be her." The beauty, the physicality, the costume, all of it. Funny thing,
most people born female think the same thing. Influencers, actresses, models--they are extreme outliers who 99.95% of women look at and envy. If I watch some porn where the woman is having a nuclear explosion of multiple orgasms and think, "I wish I could feel that," I also think of the woman I dated who has never had an orgasm, or all the ones who have one and get hypersensitive after that and need to stop. So, I try to think about what life as a woman--a normal, real woman--is like, and not some fake image or what one in a hundred thousand women get to live.
Though if nothing else, I guess it brings us closer to experiencing life as a woman to wish we were younger, thinner, prettier, or more sexual.
Anyway, I don't know what the right path for you is. I am skeptical of the "trans ideology" in many ways and at the same time I strongly support any person who is sincerely trying to find a way of living honestly that works for them. I think sometimes that if society were not (still!) so rigidly bound to gender roles, that we'd have a lot more men in dresses and a lot more women with crewcuts and fewer people would feel like medical transition was necessary. Who knows? I worry for people, especially those much younger than you, taking powerful drugs and going through life-altering surgeries when there is so much we don't understand. At the same time, if transition (of whatever form it takes) makes a person happier and able to live more fully, then I support that. I only worry that in the current climate, we have two sides that are fighting over whether people should be allowed to transition, when what I want to know is,
does it really work?
The way things work, society often swings far past the center to one side before finding the happy medium. Maybe we're heading to that world and we're just in the swing to one side now. If so, I hope we get there while I can still look good in a skirt.
eady" know it?