General ramblings and everyday life

[Zooy]

I have seen a number of pride parades in Amsterdam. Going by that, my impression is that you are not supposed to ‘pass’. Most men in drag are so in a rather exagerated way, usually not according to my taste, but if they enjoy, who cares. If you prefer to stay anonymous, I would get a rubber female head mask with open eyes, nose holes and a mouth that you can open, and put a nice wig on top. Then for the remaining part, choose in good style of which you have more than enough, an outfit that does not really hide that you are crossdressing. That would blend you right in. I think that your good cosplay outfits would be way over the top for a pride event.

[Culmor]

   


I thought recently of the first leo and tights I bought over forty years ago. I’d moved from my parents to go to college in a small city, it was a few years before the eighties aerobics boom and at the time the lovely Lyn Marshall was my idol. I knew I wanted an outfit like hers and going past a sportswear store I saw they had a black version in the window (just like the inset).

Anyway, the pink mist came down and I found the courage to go in. I’d hoped that I’d just be able to take the outfit off the shelves and pay but no, it was like Grace Brothers! I had to have a conversation with ‘Mrs Slocombe’ who shouted across the floor to ‘Miss Brahms’ who fetched leos and tights from a stock room. All the time referring to a girlfriend who all of us knew didn’t exist.

Deliciously humiliating!

[Like Ra]

Do we need a thread dedicated to humiliating situations? I have a couple of events in my mind….

[Vixien]

Well, "the medal" allways have two sides, so why not.
It could be fun or educational

[Lycalopex]

Hi this is a very long post and I was going to make a thread but I have no idea where would be appropriate so it's going here. If it deserves its own thread I give permission to split it.

I asked my boyfriend yesterday if he would be my dominant and he said yes. Very happy about it! Like, words cannot express how happy it makes me that he responded positively to the idea. It had been on my mind for months, but only within the last week did I start gathering my nerve to actually ask.

But there's a few interesting caveats that might pose a problem.

1. He lives in a different state than I do, so this relationship has been entirely online for about five years. There was a point where I flew out to him for two weeks, but neither of us are in a financial position to do that again any time soon, let alone move in together, which is a thing I want to do. That kind of makes it difficult to know what we can do in the vein of D/s that doesn't require us to be physically with each other.

2. As far as I've seen from him, he's mostly vanilla with some tendencies towards less vanilla things, or at least a tolerance towards kink. He's at least fully aware of my hypnosis fetish, but hasn't expressed any interest in it himself, so I don't know how much he even knows about D/s. I don't want to throw him into the deep end without knowing if he's interested in that particular facet of kink, and even if he is it's a lot to take in at once. His main comment after I showed him WMM was that some of it sounded absolutely ridiculous (which I agree with, but he gave no indication of what didn't seem ridiculous, so...)

3. Which leads me to the one gripe I do have about this whole arrangement, which is that I get next to no feedback from him. I think we're both kind of stuck in the initial phase of trying not to scare each other off, because this is both of our first serious relationship, and I get the sense that he's careful around me because he's also aware of some abuse history/trust issues I have and maybe the fact I kind of spook easily. I don't know how to tell him I need more feedback than he's giving me without seeming pushy or like it's related specifically to this new development.

4. Speaking of my personal issues, they and some preexisting psychological things mean that I'm pretty reserved, shy, and generally uncomfortable opening up to people. The only reason I can do it here is none of you know me elsewhere on the internet, so there's no social credit to lose. I'm more comfortable posting this stuff to complete strangers behind a thin veil of anonymity than I am to people who actually know me. There are a few of my friends who I would normally be fine opening up like this to, but I've been burned so many times by people I trusted absolutely that it's... hard. Which means that I'm not sure how to approach him with more specific things I want or need from a D/s relationship, beyond the feedback thing which honestly is just a normal communication issue found in normal relationships.

5. The last big thing is that we've never actually interacted in a particularly sexual way. I've called myself asexual for the entirety of my adult life, when more accurately I'm sex-repulsed, and have a sex drive, I just don't feel the need to have sex/find the idea kind of gross. This is actually a big reason why I got into hypnosis in the first place- so I could try to train that out of me- and it's worked to the point that these days it's limited to thinking genitalia look gross and worrying about the sanitary aspect of it all. And so far, you know, the lack of sexual contact has been absolutely fine with both of us- he knew I wasn't interested going into this relationship, and he expressed that he was fine with it. But after 10+ years of being vocally asexual, I'm not sure how to breach the subject or make it known that I'm actually just heterosexual with a bit of sex repulsion. Especially when we can't exactly do anything about it.

[no smile]

Did you specify the kind of dominance you are searching for?  Because, there is indeed a lot of complexity, and it’s easy to read several kinds of play in the same picture.  I struggled a lot explaining what I want versus pictures I like, which seems similar but not entirely.  And since it’s so much subtle, I completely understand the worry about letting him in the dark, wandering around on internet which mainly lead out of what you want.

I feel like from what you say, you might need to do some pic-and-point on picture or some (carefully selected) film and discuss about it (like professor marsten and the wonder women, for example).  This would be a good way to get more of what he’s comfortable with.  Get some boundaries on each other’s limit, at least at first.

Also, maybe, listening to some podcast (I think of the rope podcast even if it’s not on d/s but more on rope) might help show a way this kind of wealthy relation can be build but also expose the problem that can develop.

[no smile]

Oops, sent too soon

About the last two issues, I think it might resolve with time. Speaking about such intimate feeling will probably help both of you feel more comfortable and with time, the asexual vs sex-repulsed should breach like naturally. Why gf had the same issue for some times (like 6-7 years) but eventually, she became more comfortable and aware of herself.

Building trust, especially if that trust has aeady been burned several times, is always slow and at risk of not working. Lots of talks, not hiding bad feelings about something the other has said or done, …. It’s hard, but it’s also necessary if you want to build a strong bond. And especially with d/s involved. It’s a slow path for both of you, finding that equilibrium, which will always be challenged by life.

Finally, a little advice I found has worked very well for me. With my wife, we always had in mind that maybe one day we will eventually breakup. We don’t know what the future holds and are both very open to this possibility even if there is no reason right now (and none, for the past 11 years of relation which lead to being married), the future is always dark and we want to search it together as long as we are still confortable with each other. This honesty with each other has been (I feel), the key to our couple.

[Lycalopex]

I breached the communication issue with him, so he would at least be aware of it. Too early to say if that fixed it entirely, but he's gotten better about feedback, and prior incidents where I had to bring up an issue had good results, so I think we're good.

It also turns out he isn't quite as vanilla as I thought he was. I suggested we take the BDSM test, and while I definitely had more extreme results than him (I got two 100%s and two 90+%s, he didn't go above 90) we lined up incredibly well in terms of what we do like.

We've been talking about it a lot and we're both excited about how this can progress. I haven't brought up the sex-repulsion yet and I'm taking baby steps to really open up, but the only real issue now is the distance between us and lack of ability to cross it.

[no smile]

Good to read, I’m happy for you. Hope this will lead to some positive and healthy between you.

Don’t worry, baby steps are good 👍, too fast is never a good idea. Just be honest. I needed 6 years before breaching my kinks. It was strange for my then gf ( and I understand it’s a long time, probably too long) but she managed to understand the pressure that can be behind such issue.

Wish you the best, and don’t forget we can support you if needed 😉

[Lycalopex]

I needed 6 years before breaching my kinks.

We've been dating for almost five years (in late October) but we've been friends for about twelve. I think the "issue" wasn't so much the time, but the lack of any real prior sexual discussions because of the asexuality + distance.

Thank you for your words and advice!