Identity Crisis?

Hi,

had lots of time recently after I suffered a sports accident and was (not literally... Spreadeagle probably wouldn't have been so good) bound to my bed. So, downed and with not much else to do than think, sleep and daydream, something suddenly hit me.

I'm M. Or so I thought. M as in masochistic. And masochists like pain. Now, that accident certainly meant a lot of pain to me, having my hip bruised, my arm half-broken... Wasn't the first time I fell... But I didn't like it at all. In fact, I cursed like the devil himself. Couldn't walk for three days.

So that got me thinking. What is pain and how come I like one kind of it while totally trying to avoid the other. To like being flogged or having my nipples clamped - and to dislike being dragged across the concrete floor with 30 kilometers an hour.

But I didn't stop there. After I recovered (yeah, that was like, months ago now), I didn't stop thinking. I'm quite a tough guy, if I'm allowed to say that. I'm riding motorcycles, I'm quite a ellbow guy and I never avoid an argument, at least not out of cowardice. That's that one me. 

That other me likes being bound and tortured. And somehow, I can't fight the feeling that one of them is an act I'm playing, although I couldn't say which one. 

Both of them feel so naturally. I'm not riding a bike so I can wear leather clothes in public unsuspiciously... I ride because it's fun and I like the speed and the adrenaline. 

On the other hand, I do SB because I like it. It's arousing. When I think about being bound, gagged and plugged, I get rock hard. And that's, you know, different from  that "me" I know. But it's also exactly that "me" I know. 

And now, I was wondering... Is anyone else here who had the same issue? I'm clear that both of these things are part of my life, I can't "remove" one. Neither that go-getter, problem-solver type, struggling to take on as many things and as much control as possible nor that self bondage guy, giving off all (or most) control he has. I heard about that phenomenon, that successful people see dominas to "let off steam", but I always was a bondage fan, ever since I was a kid (like, 3, if I remember correctly). That masochist thing developed later, like when I was 13 or 14, seeing the first "actual" bdsm material. 

The brain is a weird place, isn't it. Has anyone experience with this?

Sorry for braindumping into this board. I don't know anyone with more experience in SB/BDSM than you... and in fact, it bothers me enough to spoil BOTH these live's pleasures. 

Thanks for your help

madscientist

Maybe not mad enough to understand himself.

Yes the mind is a wonderful thing and is the last undiscovered country.
You appear to have started on the journey to truly understanding the concepts of balance and control.

There is no crisis of identity only one of understanding.

Keep up the good work....

You are not the only one. I like speed too (but deem bikes too dangerous, though I'm going for my license after 20 years of hooning cars), I like pain too, I like so many, many things.
It doesn't matter what we like to our brain. The thing that makes it hard is being social acceptable. I can admit to any number of people I like speed (I'm from Belgium, speeding and tax evasion are national sports, there are countries were it would be hard to admit you love speed).
I can't admit to most people I like pain as much. So if you like pain, you have to play a role of not liking it. The same with other things. There are very few people who can admit liking stuff that is not mainstream. If they go public with a fetish, it's mostly because they like the kick of being looked at in a way that most people dislike.

Btw, you like the pain you choose: a flogging, clamps,... you dislike pain that chose you. It's pure psychology.

I can relate to the apparently conflicting emotions that you are describing.

My personal dilemma (though not in a bad or worrying way) is very similar.

1. I love placing myself in bondage for solo play, and yet I prefer to take the dominant role when with my partner and playing bondage games
   - I like to think of myself as a true 'switch' but with a 70/30 balance for dom/sub
2. Pain in my 'public' life is a horror and avoided at all costs, but when playing my self-bondage games I have no problems with nipple clamps
   - is this simply due to the 'rush' of arousal?
   
3. I wouldn't even consider going to a fancy dress party in women's clothing, so why do I find it an essential part of my self-bondage sessions?
   - so if I'm not a classic CD or transvestite is this just a fetish?
   
4. I don't find men attractive either visually or sexually, so why do I have such strong fantasies of being 'taken' by a cock when in self-bondage
   - does this make me a closet bi-sexual? But how does this align with my lack of arousal at the thought of men? Is it just the 'cock'?
   
5. I willingly and enthusiastically place myself in self-bondage, sometimes very strict and harsh, often with torments included, but in every other aspect of my life I hate not being in control
   - even as a passenger in a car I get very anxious, how can I reconcile that with the thrill I get from self-bondage? 
   

Great thread and enjoying the exploration into the psyche of players in our world of self-bondage and fetish
MJ

Thanks for all your replies. It's true, the human mind is one of the weirdest places on earth - but I fear that probably, if you get a professional (= psychologist) to dive down into it, he/she will always try to "cure" you. And let's all be honest about one thing: We don't need cures.
herrpee: Maybe choosing the pain is the point. Or like MJ stated, more generally spoken: Choosing to give up control. Maybe that is it, exactly. After all, are we giving it up? WE are the ones who set up the scenario. We are the ones who froze the ice with the keys in. We're the ones who hammered, stitched, welded and soldered together the devices that hold, torture and please us. There are no unforseen events - no wrong way driver hitting us frontally. No idiots throwing rocks off bridges. If we do everything right, we give off control to... physics, and maybe, mathematics. Are we not? There's not much else that I'd think of, and physics, at the very least, is a really reliable friend, perhaps the most reliable one in the world.
Maybe it IS a balance thing, like Marcus stated. Being SO MUCH in control of every little thing around us - and then finally giving up, being totally at the mercy of an ice cube melting or a timer ticking down. With nothing to do but sit there, suffer and wait. Perhaps it's just two sides of the same medal.

It's an incredible release to see there's so many people like me, with the same thoughts, the same troubles and more experience. Thanks to you all.
herrpee: If you make your license, always ride safe, OK? Accidents are annoying. Especially if you get hurt worse than your bike.

I currently can't play, my family's around 24/7, literally. So many session ideas to try, but absolutely NO time for research and development (😉). Well, OK, at least I have my "office" for myself, I can "research" a little and develop unsuspicious things there. That means the *really* nasty contraptions will have to wait... 😟 I want them spanking and shocking me and pulling my clamps now, making me play the quiz of pain...

 Being SO MUCH in control of every little thing around us - and then finally giving up, being totally at the mercy of an ice cube melting

Control is an illusion or mirage, very difficult to see clearly ..... what are you truly in control of ?
You think you are in control of all that is around you but you are not.....  yet the ice cube will surely melt and release you as you knew it would.

We have a lot under control, we even control what we think!

[Like Ra]

Unfortunately, sometimes we cannot control our emotions.

Currently recovering from a motorbike accident - yeah, control's completely gone over to some SUV driving punk pretty quickly, cost me five weeks of working time and almost an arm. Lucky me, huh? So much for being in control.

Marcus: Yeah - control's a total illusion. Ice cubes have the habit to melt. But: Can you control that, during your session, the Gulf of Mexico is not freezing and temperature on earth is falling below zero, leaving you in a room too cold for melting ice. I guess it's about probability here, but that might happen one day, and then, you better not use ice cubes for release unless you have a seriously reliable heating.
But knowing how physics works doesn't put you in control over physics - in fact, you know its rules so you can obey them. But you can't change them. You can't, make fall things upwards just because you know they are attracted by earth.

Herrpee: We might think we might control what we think. But then again, can you control what you dream about when you're asleep? Well, your subconciuos does - is that you or "it"?

Also, control implies responsibility. I know a couple of mediation techniques from back in the day - stuff like controlling your breathing automatism or your heartbeat can be really dangerous. Too much control - too much danger. Like Ra, you're totally right, we can't control what we feel (after all, feelings are just the result of certain chemical substances in our body. Can you control that, when you drink alcohol, you don't get drunk? We all might be smart, but I don't think anyone can outsmart chemistry). Maybe that's good that way - what's the alternative?

Also, control implies responsibility. 

Hmmm ... Choice implies but acts in opposition to responsibility... but to have choice you must have some measure control... Other wise all is left to fate ( physics ).

In fact I disagree with Ra ... our thoughts and feelings are the only things we truly control... yet we feel most out of control when we face some of our inner most thoughts.

Interesting how the illusion works is it not ?

Do not stare directly at the illusion but instead look for the direction of causality.