(10 Jun 2018, 18:45 )Interestinglyunique Wrote: 1) but I can't seem to commit to anyone. I've basically given up trying to find someone the last few years to 'work on myself'. 

2) So I systematically resolve the issues in my life one by one, I got a better job, I sorted out issues with my EX over our child, I got a better place to live. ETC One thing that has always bugged me is that I like the S&M stuff so much, I was thinking maybe there is a deeper problem with me. Like I can't connect to people etc. So I thought I'd try and give it up.

3) When I have a big 'purge' and try my hardest to be more vanilla and think nice thoughts towards women, I do feel good and things go well in my life. But eventually I end up getting turned on my something again, or the narrative Im telling myself  (that its better for me not to do S&M) somehow breaks down and is too stressful to think about.

4) I've actually tried a therapist but couldn't really get on with it (too much tinkering with my mind), so I'm just trying to go with the flow.

Can anyone relate to this?? What do you think is going on? Input appreciated. THANKYOU!

(11 Jun 2018, 20:35 )Interestinglyunique Wrote: I do get a sense that perhaps I should just not worry too much and just accept that this is a thing I do.

(11 Jun 2018, 23:03 )Atsta Wrote:

(10 Jun 2018, 18:45 )Interestinglyunique Wrote: 1) but I can't seem to commit to anyone. I've basically given up trying to find someone the last few years to 'work on myself'. 

2) So I systematically resolve the issues in my life one by one, I got a better job, I sorted out issues with my EX over our child, I got a better place to live. ETC One thing that has always bugged me is that I like the S&M stuff so much, I was thinking maybe there is a deeper problem with me. Like I can't connect to people etc. So I thought I'd try and give it up.

3) When I have a big 'purge' and try my hardest to be more vanilla and think nice thoughts towards women, I do feel good and things go well in my life. But eventually I end up getting turned on my something again, or the narrative Im telling myself  (that its better for me not to do S&M) somehow breaks down and is too stressful to think about.

4) I've actually tried a therapist but couldn't really get on with it (too much tinkering with my mind), so I'm just trying to go with the flow.

Can anyone relate to this?? What do you think is going on? Input appreciated. THANKYOU!

I "cut and numbered" your post to add my own spin

1) I have only had one relationship, lasted 7 years, and that ended 11 years ago, I have also given up, because as the older I get, the more I realize, I would be living a lie if I tried to be "normal"
2) I took early pension (due health issues from an Airline pilot job, the hours and sedentary lifestyle caused Diabetes 11 onset)
fortunately I fell into a good ground job and financially I am on track for a good retirement.
Being "earthbound" has given me more time to self reflect and self experiment, and realize I will NEVER BE WITH A VANILLA woman ever again (by my choice), I will always be ultra friendly, but run away at the first signs of interest or intimacy.
3) I tried to be Vanilla too, but I am repulsed by the vanilla aspect, i.e. bare skin, sweaty body, skin on skin, fluid exchange, and thus if I can totally avoid these situations, then I wont have to lie to a potential future woman.
4) The "ex-fiancee" also had me go to a therapist to try and play mind games, in an attempt to get me to be more "normal" , but with my continuous logical professional lifestyle, I could see how the therapist was trying to make me imagine away my inner problems of intimacy.

if there is to be a future "forever" relationship, then the woman in my life would have to have an aversion to physical sex too, too keep me in my Neosteel chastity belt 24/7 or as close too as is practical, and her attire would need to be very much latex or tight and shiny dominated.
However the logical mind, says that this is an unachievable dream, so either I swallow my aversion and live a life of inner repulsion to be toegether with a woman, or I will live out my years on my own, and satisfy my fantasy lifestyle by surfing the internet.
its sad but realistic for me, and I have made my peace with it.

cheers

(12 Jun 2018, 01:28 )Like Ra Wrote: I still have that series of posts about addiction and fetishism in mind. There are some good explanations. And there are ways to happily live with that.

(12 Jun 2018, 18:45 )Interestinglyunique Wrote: Hi Thankyou - Would you mind giving me a link to that one please? - I'd be quite interested to have a look.