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Serious question here - advice appreciated
#1
Hello lovely kinksters! 
Can anyone relate to me here. I've always, since I can remember ever getting aroused by anything, been into S&M. My first experiences were getting turned on by the whipping scenes in the movie Flash Gordon, and tying myself up in the bathtub etc etc

Ok stay with me here...All that was 30 years ago, and ever since I have from time to time done self bondage etc. 

I've had lots of relationships with women (and I'm a Dad), but I can't seem to commit to anyone. I've basically given up trying to find someone the last few years to 'work on myself'. 

Still reading - THANKYOU! I need some advice here.

So I systematically resolve the issues in my life one by one, I got a better job, I sorted out issues with my EX over our child, I got a better place to live. ETC One thing that has always bugged me is that I like the S&M stuff so much, I was thinking maybe there is a deeper problem with me. Like I can't connect to people etc. So I thought I'd try and give it up.


When I have a big 'purge' and try my hardest to be more vanilla and think nice thoughts towards women, I do feel good and things go well in my life. But eventually I end up getting turned on my something again, or the narrative Im telling myself  (that its better for me not to do S&M) somehow breaks down and is too stressful to think about.

This is when I go back to S&M again (and end up here-hello). I feel good and relaxed with it, but after being back in my S&M phase for a month or so, I feel guilty again and the cycle repeats.

I've actually tried a therapist but couldn't really get on with it (too much tinkering with my mind), so I'm just trying to go with the flow.

Can anyone relate to this?? What do you think is going on? Input appreciated. THANKYOU!
Reply
#2
I guess that many, if not most of us have gone through these feelings. I definitely have had a number of purges, before I found out that I am far from unique. This is one of the nice things of the internet.
There is no real known 'cure'. This is how you are, and the best thing is to accept it and come to peace with yourself. Just be careful with what you do. When you are lucky, you find a partner who accepts you for what you are, even though (s)he may not be into it, but will accept it as your hobby. If you are outrageously lucky you can share.
See it as one of the very many varieties of sexuality that society is currently discovering. You may not want to tell others about it, but you do not have to feel ashamed to yoursef either. Just don't hurt anyone, least of all yourself.
Reply
#3
(10 Jun 2018, 20:07 )Zooy Wrote: I guess that many, if not most of us have gone through these feelings. I definitely have had a number of purges, before I found out that I am far from unique. This is one of the nice things of the internet.
There is no real known 'cure'. This is how you are, and the best thing is to accept it and come to peace with yourself. Just be careful with what you do. When you are lucky, you find a partner who accepts you for what you are, even though (s)he may not be into it, but will accept it as your hobby. If you are outrageously lucky you can share.
See it as one of the very many varieties of sexuality that society is currently discovering. You may not want to tell others about it, but you do not have to feel ashamed to yoursef either. Just don't hurt anyone, least of all yourself.

Thankyou very much for replying, I really appreciate it. I'm going to bed now, but I'm just digesting what you have said. It really chimes with me the thought of this being my own version of sexuality. Because I know we are all different. Thankyou
Reply
#4
Did you notice if there was a repeating event after which you decided to "purge"?
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#5
(10 Jun 2018, 23:55 )Interestinglyunique Wrote:
(10 Jun 2018, 20:07 )Zooy Wrote: I guess that many, if not most of us have gone through these feelings. I definitely have had a number of purges, before I found out that I am far from unique. This is one of the nice things of the internet.
There is no real known 'cure'. This is how you are, and the best thing is to accept it and come to peace with yourself. Just be careful with what you do. When you are lucky, you find a partner who accepts you for what you are, even though (s)he may not be into it, but will accept it as your hobby. If you are outrageously lucky you can share.
See it as one of the very many varieties of sexuality that society is currently discovering. You may not want to tell others about it, but you do not have to feel ashamed to yoursef either. Just don't hurt anyone, least of all yourself.

Thankyou very much for replying, I really appreciate it. I'm going to bed now, but I'm just digesting what you have said. It really chimes with me the thought of this being my own version of sexuality. Because I know we are all different. Thankyou
If you don't mind me asking -was there a point when you said to yourself ' ok thats it, I accept myself' ? What happened to get you to that point?
Reply
#6
(11 Jun 2018, 00:42 )Like Ra Wrote: Did you notice if there was a repeating event after which you decided to "purge"?
Hello again Smile Thanks for replying. Yes, there is definitely a pattern. In simple terms it is like a build up of stress, and then I need to kick back and just stop thinking about stuff (thats where the S&M comes in). It's like switching off from my brain activity.

I'm a bit of an overthinker, and also I'm rubbish at connecting emotionally with people. I don't have any intimate relationships in my life. I have a handful of friends and I go out to things each week. But nothing that needs a close connection.

I think maybe the S&M is also my way of 'feeling' something emotionally. Do you know what I mean?
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#7
My therapist suggested to me that maybe my interest in bondage, which originated in childhood, came from a way to cope with something. Perhaps I reached for it instead of a more "normal" way to process something emotionally. In a way, bondage is kind of like getting a hug for your entire body, so I have a tendency to believe my therapist is right about this.

I went through some periods of treating it like an addiction, and attempting to purge, but I've always relapsed. My longest period was over 100 days without any bondage-related porn or masturbation. For me, there is definitely an addiction component to it, since there are many compulsive behaviors around it, and I have a compulsive personality to begin with. Like with any other addiction, it seems to boil down to how many negative effects it has on your life. If it doesn't disrupt your life to a negative extent, then it is like any other enjoyable vice in moderation. If it gets in the way of your job, spouse, family, or goals, then maybe it is a problem that needs to be regulated.

Being honest and open with romantic partners is key. I once tried to keep my interests a secret for too long and that just made it worse by destroying a lot of the trust between me and my partner.
Reply
#8
(10 Jun 2018, 19:45 )Interestinglyunique Wrote: Hello lovely kinksters! 
Can anyone relate to me here. I've always, since I can remember ever getting aroused by anything, been into S&M. My first experiences were getting turned on by the whipping scenes in the movie Flash Gordon, and tying myself up in the bathtub etc etc

Ok stay with me here...All that was 30 years ago, and ever since I have from time to time done self bondage etc. 

I've had lots of relationships with women (and I'm a Dad), but I can't seem to commit to anyone. I've basically given up trying to find someone the last few years to 'work on myself'. 

Still reading - THANKYOU! I need some advice here.

So I systematically resolve the issues in my life one by one, I got a better job, I sorted out issues with my EX over our child, I got a better place to live. ETC One thing that has always bugged me is that I like the S&M stuff so much, I was thinking maybe there is a deeper problem with me. Like I can't connect to people etc. So I thought I'd try and give it up.


When I have a big 'purge' and try my hardest to be more vanilla and think nice thoughts towards women, I do feel good and things go well in my life. But eventually I end up getting turned on my something again, or the narrative Im telling myself  (that its better for me not to do S&M) somehow breaks down and is too stressful to think about.

This is when I go back to S&M again (and end up here-hello). I feel good and relaxed with it, but after being back in my S&M phase for a month or so, I feel guilty again and the cycle repeats.

I've actually tried a therapist but couldn't really get on with it (too much tinkering with my mind), so I'm just trying to go with the flow.

Can anyone relate to this?? What do you think is going on? Input appreciated. THANKYOU!

Hi! As said before: many of us are through your feelings - you are not allone with that. 
Maybe there is a munch in your area. Try that. 
It helped me to talk to likeminded people. Spend your money for other, than a therapiest.

And you have only one life.  

I can live vanilla a period of time. But then...well...I *accepted* that fetish is part of me and I live this part when ever I can.

I am a dad too. Married with childs. 

Go out find likeminded people - you will learn our stories are pretty similar.

krinlyc
Reply
#9
(11 Jun 2018, 11:30 )helpless85 Wrote: My therapist suggested to me that maybe my interest in bondage, which originated in childhood, came from a way to cope with something.  Perhaps I reached for it instead of a more "normal" way to process something emotionally.  In a way, bondage is kind of like getting a hug for your entire body, so I have a tendency to believe my therapist is right about this.

I went through some periods of treating it like an addiction, and attempting to purge, but I've always relapsed.  My longest period was over 100 days without any bondage-related porn or masturbation.  For me, there is definitely an addiction component to it, since there are many compulsive behaviors around it, and I have a compulsive personality to begin with.  Like with any other addiction, it seems to boil down to how many negative effects it has on your life.  If it doesn't disrupt your life to a negative extent, then it is like any other enjoyable vice in moderation.  If it gets in the way of your job, spouse, family, or goals, then maybe it is a problem that needs to be regulated.

Being honest and open with romantic partners is key.  I once tried to keep my interests a secret for too long and that just made it worse by destroying a lot of the trust between me and my partner.

Hi Smile Thanks for this it makes lots of sense to me. Really appreciate the input.
Reply
#10
I just want to say, THANKYOU everyone for the comments. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about everything right now. I do get a sense that perhaps I should just not worry too much and just accept that this is a thing I do. I think some of the stress comes from worrying about it.

It's helped a lot have you all on here to talk to - so thanks again X
Reply


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