Like Ra in latex catsuit, latex mask and high heels
Like Ra's Naughty Playground

If you would like to use search functions, view attachments or play games, please consider registering.


What is BDSM?
#1
What is “BDSM”?

"BDSM" is an acronym of "B&D" (Bondage & Discipline), "D&S" (Dominance & Submission), and "S&M" (sadomasochism). "BDSM" refers to any or all of these things, and a lot of stuff besides.

Tying up your lover is BDSM; so is flogging that person, or bossing that person around, or any of a thousand other things. BDSM is highly erotic, usually (though not always) involves sex or sexual tension; and is highly psychologically charged. One person (the "submissive") agrees to submit to another person (the "dominant"); or, alternately, one person agrees to receive some sort of sensation, such as spanking, from another.
Some people like to be submissive all the time, some people like to be dominant all the time; some people like to switch, being submissive and then dominant and exchanging back and forth.

Many people practice some element of BDSM in their sexual lives without even being aware of it. They may think of "S&M" as "That sick stuff that people do with whips and cattle prods and stuff," yet still blindfold one another from time to time, or tie one another down and break out the whipped cream...

All of these things are "BDSM." BDSM is not necessarily hardcore sadomasochism; it can be remarkably subtle and sensual and soft. Pinning your partner to the bed and running silk or ice cubes or rabbit fur over your lover's body qualifies as "BDSM" (specifically, of a variety called "sensation play").

BDSM doesn't have to involve all of these.

There are many people involved in BDSM who enjoy tying others up, or being tied up themselves, but who do not enjoy S&M--that is, they aren't interested in inflicting or receiving pain. Sometimes, one partner just ties up the other, as a form of foreplay. Similarly, there are many people who may like the psychological control they get from ordering their lovers to do things, but do not care for being physically restrained or tied, or for tying up their lovers.

BDSM is as varied as the people who do it.

I've met many people who engage in BDSM activities, such as bondage or spanking, but who insist they are "not into that BDSM stuff." Usually, it's because they have the idea it has to do with wearing a leather mask and being chained to a wall and whipped, but it’s not like that at all. If you like being lightly spanked or light bondage excites you, well you're into BDSM.
Some people love the aesthetic of an elaborate rope harness, or an elaborate form of bondage; others simply aren't interested in the bondage elements at all. The key to all these different forms of BDSM, though, is the exchange. Perhaps for some it means allowing the other person to tie him/her up, perhaps it means allowing the other person to spank him/her, whatever.
In particular, BDSM is NOT abuse!
People who are practicing BDSM in any of its trillions of forms are doing it voluntarily, for fun. It's a way to explore. Everything that happens in a BDSM relationship is consensual; and believe it or not, it's not just about the dominant getting what he or she wants--it's more about the submissive getting what he or she wants.
An abuser has no regard for the feelings, needs, or limits of the victim. A BDSM dominant is concerned above all else with the needs and desires of the submissive. Pretty straightforward, really. BDSM is a mutual activity that is driven as much by the needs of the submissive than by the needs of the dominant.

The needs of the submissive? Isn't the dominant the one bossing the other person around? Aren't dominants usually depicted as being bitches or assholes?

While that may seem like it makes sense on the surface, the truth is just the opposite. People who are good at dominating are, in general, LESS likely than many other people to be bitches or assholes.

Why? Because in order to be good at doing it, you need to be highly in-tune with your submissive. People who are self-centered generally make poor dominants, because they lack the empathy required to be able to read and judge their partner's reactions, and bring their partner where that person wants to go. Assholes and bitches quickly find that nobody wants to play with them; and people who are empathic tend not to be assholes or bitches. All of the real top-notch dominants I've ever met, without exception, are incredibly cool people.

Some common misconceptions:

Believe it or not, the dynamics of a BDSM relationship are often driven by the submissive, not by the dominant. The submissive sets the limits; the submissive decides what places can and can not be explored; the submissive has the ability to call a halt to the scene. The dominant, in many ways, is simply a facilitator. It's the dominant's job to create a setting where the people involved can explore the submissive's fantasies.
(As an aside, it's important to note that these limits can change over time. It may be that something that used to sound like it wouldn't be fun or interesting might in the future tickle your fancy; and that things you enjoy now, you may not necessarily enjoy in the future. People change over time. It's important, when you explore BDSM, to remember that, and to make a habit of talking to your partner about things you like and don't like as those things change.)

Dominating your partners does not mean that you don't want to please them. It is not always, or even usually, true that a dominant is interested in his/her own gratification rather than the submissive’s. In fact, many dominants are driven as much by their desire to please their partner as by anything else; the psychology of a healthy BDSM relationship is driven by the submissive as well as by the dominant, and a dominant can take pleasure from gratifying the needs of the submissive just as easily as the submissive can take pleasure from gratifying the needs of the dominant. This kind of thing is not one-directional.

But isn’t the submissive or bottom the one being bossed around and spanked or whatever? Isn’t that abuse?

In a BDSM relationship, the submissive sets the limits. A victim of abuse doesn't get a vote; the victim can't tell the abuser what to do, or how much to do it. In this case, the submissive sets all the limits--what kinds of things can be (and can't be!) done, how much, and for how long.
And while we're on the subject of limits, there is more than one kind of limit in a BDSM relationship. Everybody has "hard" limits--things that they absolutely will not do, and will not even consider. Some people, for example, like to be tied up but don't like the idea of being whipped; if they won't allow themselves to be whipped, ever, that's a hard limit.
There are also "soft" limits--things that someone won't do under ordinary circumstances, but will allow to be "forced" on him or her in the context of a particular scenario that's being acted out. Between soft limits and hard limits lies an interesting psychological territory to explore.


A submissive gets a way to opt out. This may be a code word, or a sign of some sort; if the sub uses it, he or she has had enough and the scene is over. An abuse victim doesn't tell the abuser when to stop.

Doesn’t it mean you are kind of sick or messed up to do things like that?
No.

Tying people up… whipping them. Isn’t that considered unstable or pathological?
No.

For the most part, people who are into this kind of thing are remarkably well-adjusted. People involved in BDSM are generally neither abusive nor come from backgrounds where they were abused, because people with that kind of backgrounds aren't likely to be sexually turned on by giving someone else power over them. That doesn't mean that no BDSM relationship is abusive--since people are what they are, no form of human interaction is immune to abuse. But it does mean that the people you'll find in the BDSM community are, for the most part, very stable. (In fact, if you're going to get involved in this kind of stuff, it helps to have a cast-iron ego and a strong sense of self, particularly if you're a submissive.)

BDSM is not what it looks like from the outside. It's not just tying people up and having sex, and it's not just arbitrarily whipping people. That's very crude, and kind of boring. What it is, is a sort of role-playing where the people involved are acting out a fantasy that involves taking or giving up power. Sex is often involved, but not always.

Role playing? Sounds like a game.

It is. You're exercising your imagination, and you're playing a game with the other person. You get to be the dominant; your partner is the submissive; you're playing the role of the mad scientist who's just kidnapped someone and is going to use this poor innocent person for evil experiments. Or whatever. You know the naughty nurse and patient … that’s a classic.

At the same time, however, it is very serious. You're creating a framework that allows you to have fun and explore some very powerfully charged areas of human psychology, and push your boundaries at the same time. In this way, BDSM can be a powerful tool for self-discovery and exploration.


It also pays to negotiate the basic parameters in which you'll operate beforehand. Different people have different idea of what constitutes "force" or how rough "rough" is. If everyone involved isn't on the same page, someone may get hurt in a way that isn't so fun. A very good tip for determining your partner’s pain level is the 1 to 5 test.

Ask them to rate your spank on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 representing really soft and 5 representing really hard. Start off very light and find your partner’s 3. You don’t really need to go harder than that to figure out what their 5 would be. Stay in between and have fun.

Learn your limits and don’t do something you don’t want to.

You draw the line wherever you want to. There isn't one way to "do" BDSM, and not everybody is in to the same things. If you like being tied up, but you don't want to be whipped, then don't be whipped! Every person is unique; not everybody has the same turn-on’s; if you don't like something, don't do it.
Always follow the “rule of three”…
Safe
Sane
Consensual

Summing things up…

BDSM provides a context and a set of tools for exploring your own personal boundaries in a safe, fun, enjoyable, and mutually reciprocal way. It provides a vehicle by which you can get to know yourself and your lover much more deeply and intimately than you might have thought possible. And hey, you often find along the way that you can be surprised! You probably have turn-on’s that you don't even know you have, and you will never discover without exploration.
And that, my friend, can truly enrich your life and the life of your lover.

These pages are copyright by Franklin Veaux. http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
Reply
#2
And your point is ?
Reply
#3
Vanessa can I have an in-person demonstration to better understand Smile
Reply
#4
(18 Mar 2014, 02:28 )Tinker D Wrote: And your point is ?

Information, or does that go over your head? Wink
Reply
#5
(18 Mar 2014, 14:27 )NoNeedToBreathe Wrote: Vanessa can I have an in-person demonstration to better understand Smile

Anytime you're in Montreal Wink
Reply
#6
I suppose you're a Habs fan...
Reply



This forum uses Lukasz Tkacz MyBB addons.